Let’s face it—after having a baby nearly everything about your relationship with your partner is different. You are both sleep deprived, she is experiencing wild hormonal changes as well as recovering from childbirth and possibly even surgery. You are looking at your wife as a new person. She is suddenly a mother. The mother of your baby.
It’s likely that you are more in love with this woman than ever before—after all she just birthed your baby! You may want to connect with her in the ways you always have—including sexually. Your wife, however, may feel very unattractive and decidedly non-sexy. She doesn’t fit into her pre-pregnancy clothes, she hasn’t had a shower in a couple of days and her breasts leak at the slightest provocation. In addition, her usual stimulating world of work and friends and hot dates with YOU, has been reduced to breastfeeding, spit up, and diapering. Definitely un-sexy.
Although she may love you more than ever—especially since she has learned that you’re the best dad in the world– sex is probably way, way at the back of her mind. Many women report feeling “touched out” in the first weeks and months after birth—especially when they are breastfeeding. She is having close physical contact with another human being every few hours around the clock. Her body is constantly needed to meet the needs of this tiny creature. Given all that touching, she may relish the rare moments she has her body to herself.
You, on the other had, may have a strong need to be with your partner physically to help you re-connect and re-establish intimacy. You’re watching your wife fall in love with another person (your baby) and it’s natural to feel a bit displaced as the primary love interest when a baby is born. Sexual intimacy can be reassuring and help you feel that things are “back to normal.”
Making love to your wife is something that will happen again. But keep in mind that your tried and true methods of initiating sex may not be effective. Most breastfeeding mothers aren’t interested in breast stimulation for example. They get plenty of that from baby. In addition, her nipples may be tender and her breasts may be much more sensitive than usual. Touching and kissing might not have the desired effect. So what’s a romantic lover to do? I guarantee that doing things FOR your wife will be more successful than all of your previous moves combined.
What, exactly does that mean? It’s understandable that you may need some concrete suggestions. With that in mind, here are some definite turn ons for breastfeeding moms. Moms consistently report wanting to “jump his bones” when partners initiate some of the following sly moves:
Make a cup of her favorite tea and ask her if she’d like milk and honey with it.
When the baby begins to wake up, jump up before your wife can, cuddle the baby and give mom a few extra minutes to use the bathroom or finish her lunch before she breastfeeds.
Bundle up baby, put her in a sling and take the dogs for a walk. On your way out the door ask mommy what coffee drink she’d like you to bring back for her.
If the above suggestions don’t work, you can add in some of these aphrodisiac phrases:
“Lie down and let me rub your shoulders.” Then actually do it for longer than 30 seconds!
“I bet you’re a little tired… I’ll hold the baby so you can take a long nap.” (Notice you are not saying “…you look tired…”)
… And my personal favorite, “The laundry is done and put away, I loaded and ran the dishwasher, the bathroom is clean and I ordered you some milkmakers cookies.”
Yes, yes, YES!
See also: “Breastfeeding Dads: A Love Note”